About

I thought I'd begin adding content to this site with an about me section in case anyone is interested in finding out more about my purpose or goals or even just to put a personality behind the screen for you.

My name is Nic, I have been dealing with CPTSD for over a decade but I have only recently been diagnosed in the last 2 years. I felt like prior to this diagnosis, that I was absolutely unequivocally insane. Like most people I assume, I believed that PTSD was for soldiers.

My CPTSD came about through neglect as a baby from my 'birth mother', adoption and related events, domestic violence as an adult and due to this experience various events related occurred as a result of the abuser and caused more trauma.

 I was experiencing domestic violence in all forms whilst studying for a degree in Psychology. At the height of the conflict and around the time I broke free, I was studying for my last year - completing dissertations and ending up at a womans aid refuge. 

I took a year out and returned 'abuse free' to complete my honours. Looking back now, the reasons why I chose psychology as a degree was to understand myself or my environment. To try understand why he did to me what he did, none of which ever came to fruition because the things that occurred defy any explanation nor would I ever get one. Simply put, I wsa chasing some form of closure I could never reach.

Fast forward 8/9 years, a few failed relationships and a few breakdowns and I have entered this phase of recovery that demands freedom. I decided and realised that I've actually come a long way from where I was prior to diagnosis. I opened a facebook group focused on research related to trauma - with the goal and purpose to move forward with my own research and inform key workers 

During my time prior to diagnosis, I was obsessively training. I would exercise as many hours a week as a full time job. Ignoring injuries and viewing them as mere weakness and vulnerability; I would train on until my hip broke, my coccyx deformed and my quad ripped. My spine then fused and further down the line a herniated disk appeared. My life that I once relied on to block out the feelings I had once been able to; disappeared almost overnight. All of a sudden I had nothing to feed my insecurity, no outlet for anger, feelings of being a failure and training under toxic coaches who didn't understand my position. This created a vacuum for my trauma to return. The feelings which I had pushed away had been reconfirmed by the one person I looked to at that point (my coach) and I began to feel like I was drowning in them. 

I experienced CBT which I didn't find helpful and moved on to intensive group therapy which helped in some ways. I felt like there was a lot missing, a sort of over generalisation that everyone with PTSD experiences the same thing. Then why did I not? It took a while for me to realise that PTSD and Trauma disorders are a spectrum and dependent on the original trauma. 

During that time however I had to access hospital for support for extreme pain and numbness and was hospitalised. I wanted to leave, but I was told I wasn't able. I was entering in to a CPTSD attack where I felt like I was never going to leave, nurses were talking about me - not to me. When they finally sent a psychiatrist in to evaluate me she informed me that as I was able to hold a conversation with her at that time - that I could control my anger and she didn't see a reason for my distress. From that, I can't exactly say I have had the best treatment from healthcare professionals.

Searching across the internet to find peoples individual experience, I found that this was a common trend, in the UK anyway. It came to the point after I gave birth to my daughter that I begged for help and was never informed properly of what having a child can actually do to those who have suffered trauma. I was never given any support, instead was told that I had done counselling before so there wasn't any point as I 'knew it all anyway'.

I couldn't sit anymore with the experience I have had and knowing others are in the same position. It is an injustice.

Trauma effects 1 in 13 people, for our keyworkers and families not to have an understanding is devastating for the sufferer. It is for that reason that I want to become an advocate for PTSD, I want to inform and teach others in order to see those who have experienced trauma really grow and obtain freedom.

recovery can be obtained through knowledge, if healthcare systems cannot give me that knowledge - I will give it to them instead.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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